Me Myself and I

It's 9:26 pm, I'm watching Lizzie Mcguire and I just finished dinner. I have been wanting to write this post for a while now well for the last couple of days, but I was scared of sharing these thoughts of myself with the world. But that's what an writer does right? We share our truths no matter how ugly they are. That's kinda what makes it beautiful. I never thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world or the smartest. I never tried to be either I always just wanted to be Nnaté even when at times when I didn't know who I was or who I wanted to be. If this posts has errors I'm sorry in advance but I'm honestly just typing from the top of my head about how I feel right now. I feel like my entire life I have only been sure about two things. 1. writing. I know thats my talent and thats when Im here for. I can feel it. Nothing makes me happier than when I write something and I get feedback and person told me what I wrote inspired them to tell their story and reach out to me or that I made them think in any kind of way. Nothing can match that feeling and I will never stop chasing it. Now number 2 is Love. I love love I love loving people I love being loved by people. I think there is so much love in me that I don't know what to do with myself. My feelings consumes me so much I feel that I don't know what to do at times. I love hard and and it takes alot for me to let a person go, but when I do Im done. My entire life I have been searching for the feeling that my Dad took with him when him and my mom divorced. I crave love from men and reassurance and security. That's always been a piece that was missing from me. I have only been in love with three guys. I did how every date a guy for a year that wasn't my boyfriend that I honestly cant decide if I loved him or not. I say that because though I really did care about about him I never truly let him know me how I let the other guys who I was in relationships with know me. The only thing that makes me feel like I had to love him was had my heart broke when we stopped dealing with each other and how much that situation has affected my confidence as a woman. All together I feel like every guy whom I have ever been with has never deserved me. I don't say that as a cocky thing and I don't say that to say I hate my ex's because I don't. At one time each of them were my best friend and were there for me and loved me at some point and I loved them but the reason why I say I feel like none of them deserved me is because each of them got me to a point where I loved them so much and I thought so highly of them and they let me down every time. I know that people change and things change but I feel like some things shouldn't. I feel like when you love someone you don't change on them you work it out. I use to think maybe I'm just not worth working it out with but I dont think thats true anymore I think I'm more than enough honestly, I think that from now I have to stop chasing love from a guy to seal that missing piece and first I need to seal it myself. Then whenever there us a chance I meet the right guy I won't expect him to be that for me but to add on to love that I already have for myself.